Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Good morning y’all ☀️

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.