Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.