Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Shoo shoo! 😂
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Strange
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?