Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

In case you needed to hear it:

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.