Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing