Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
181.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I love wikipedia
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.