Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

10/10 no notes

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

S/o to @funTweeters .

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”