Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

I would move hell over six inches for you

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege