Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
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Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.