Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

*bites zombie*

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants