Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Breaking news:

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.