Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

No, he would not have.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.