Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples