Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

If you love someone, let them sleep.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I feel seen

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

who wore it better?

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”