Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.