daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
😂😂😂
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
