daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic