Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.