Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked