Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

i smell a pulitzer

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff