Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.