Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT