Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
You Might Also Like
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I cannot stop laughing at this
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”