Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
In space, no one can hear…
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
