Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
