“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Girl: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Guy: “Both, now get in the van.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.
When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.