Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!




Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up


Girl: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Guy: “Both, now get in the van.”


me: dogs have 4 legs


me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen


Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death


Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.


When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.


My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.