daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend