Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

This is my cat’s medicine.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

is it earth

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it