Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

That’s not how days work.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.