Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one