Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

My Guy

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.