Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.