Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …