Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.