Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.