Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?