Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

*seductively corrects your posture*

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.