DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Why is everyone getting married at me
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck