Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

“i miss shittin on people”

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Why is this me 😫

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton