DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.