Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Bruh PLEASE
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!