Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.