Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

still the best tweet of the year by far

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.