Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

10/10 no notes

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

*watches the world burn*

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.