Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

One venti cheeseburger please.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

How software testing works

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1552682241398030337/pu/vid/640x360/GROWKBvLnZJJClz8.mp4?tag=12

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.