Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Clients after you give them your rates
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.