Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.