Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.