Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Challenge accepted.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.