Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.