Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My dress code is business-casualty.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.