Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

😂😂

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant