Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
You Might Also Like
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Put this video in the Louvre
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?