Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The glockness monster
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.