Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store