Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
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Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.