The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.
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Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone
Me: Lol you mean the friend zone
What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?