Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.

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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]


giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”


Girl, are you spaghetti? Cause you make strange sounds when I poke you with a fork.


The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.


Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses


exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out


“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046


If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.