Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

oh you wanna fight?!

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.