Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.