Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You Might Also Like
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
thoughts?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.