COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?