Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*