Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

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COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?


someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*



My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.


I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks


[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup


[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.


1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?