Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Breaking news:

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies