Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”