Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”