Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Blew out my flip flop…