Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…