Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.