Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

imagine getting destroyed like this

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”