Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

#oldknees

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time