“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
This is a bad sign
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.