Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.