“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
You Might Also Like
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The honesty is refreshing
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat