“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
