Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?