Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Jupiter

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….