Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
You Might Also Like
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”