Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my door mat

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

Liquor Store Parking

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.