Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I’m so full I could puke a horse