Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

#parenting

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.