dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
SCARY COSTUME
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
the three genders
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already