dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You Might Also Like
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Just parrot things
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
the battle rages on
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”