dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

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Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?


HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it


When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.


gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope