dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You Might Also Like
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you