dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son