Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.