Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*