Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

I hope Alan is OK

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.