“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
There are no pants in heaven.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.